Breathing
by Jade S
Summary: It's yaoi! My first. Hope it doesn't totally suck!! -_-;; *Ahem* Yeah, well, anyway, it's Gene/Jim. Lots of thought, confusion and self denial on Jim's part! AKA, lotsa Jim angst!! Please r/r!


A/N: OK, writers block strikes again, and here I am writing song fics. *Sighs* It's my first yaoi, so please be kind. And don't read if you don't like this stuff! It's a waste of your time, I'm telling you. Oh, and if you must flame, do try to make it an intellegent one (If there is such a thing) That's all I ask. Well other then that, I hope you people like this! And it is a song fic BTW, the song is Life House's "Breathing" Possible OOC-ness on Gene's part, and Jim's sixteen now. Please r/r!   
  
  
..::* Breathing *::..  
  
  
I'm finding my way back to sanity again   
Though I don't really know what i'm gonna do when i get there   
I take a breath and hold on tight   
Spin around one more time   
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace   
  
********  
  
  
::* Jim *::  
  
When I told you how I felt, I'd hoped that you'd be happy. I just wanted you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. And I know that I've never shown it enough, but your happiness means everything to me. I'd give anything to see you smile again. For you to smile at me. Anything.   
  
But you don't smile at me anymore. You don't even look at me. It's all you can do to avoid me. Why? Is it because I feel the way I do? Because I actually told you? Isn't that what you wanted? You asked me what was wrong, asked me what I was keeping from you, I thought you'd be happy when I told you. I'd hoped you would. But you weren't.  
  
Do you hate me now, aniki? Can I even call you that? Why are there so many questions? Why aren't you happy? I wish I knew. But you do hate me now, don't you? It makes you sick to think of what I told you, doesn't it? It makes you sick that I love you. I know it does. But God, how do you think that I felt when I found out? Do you think that I felt any better than you do? It made me sick to think of myself that way. I'm a teenage boy, I'm supposed to think of girls. I'm supposed to like girls. Not you. Your supposed to be my aniki. I'm not supposed to love you like that. I know I'm not.  
  
It is sick, isn't it? It's wrong for me to feel this way. God knows I thought so about Fred, so why should it be any different with me? It's not. It's exactly the same. What the hell is wrong with me? Why wont you help me aniki? Why wont you make me understand? Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I shouldn't love you. I know it's wrong. Why wont you tell me? Please, just tell me something. Anything. I don't care what it is. I need to hear your voice again. You've been in your room so long, aniki. I need to hear your voice. Even if it's just to tell me that you hate me. Dammit, Gene, I need to know! I need to hear your voice again! Please...  
  
  
********  
  
Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying   
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight   
That's alright, alright with me   
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door   
And listen to you breathing   
Its where I wanna be, yeah   
Where I wanna be   
  
********  
  
  
No. I wont plead with you anymore. I can't. It hurts to much. To think that you might hate me. That you don't love me the way I do you. Maybe it's better that we don't talk. At least not yet. Not tonight. It's to soon to know the truth. And the truth hurts to damn much anyway. I don't know if I could stand it. I really don't think I could.  
  
But why am I so wrong? Why did this have to happen to me? I shouldn't feel this way. I can't feel this way. It's wrong. It is wrong. I don't need you to tell me. I already know. And I hate myself for it. I do, aniki. I hate myself. Why shouldn't you hate me too? That's what I deserve. I should never have told you. I should have lied. Should have told you that everything was fine. That's what I should have done. You wouldn't have believed me though. You always know when somethings wrong with me. You know me so well. You've taken such good care of me.   
  
And that's what I love about you, Gene. That's why I'm still here. I know it's wrong. I should leave. But I can't. I just can't, aniki. I can't leave you. Why not? I should be back in my own room by now. That's where I belong. Not here. Not outside your door, listing only to hear the sound of your breathing. I don't belong here. This is wrong.  
  
What the hell am I waiting for anyway? Rejection? Because that's all I'll find here isn't it? You'll reject me. You don't want me. You'll reject me. And where will that leave me? Back on the street, that's where. I don't have anywhere else to go. If you don't want me then there's no way I can stay here. You wont want me here. You'll reject me. And why not? I've done the same thing. I hate myeslf, just like you do. I've already rejected myself. Why shouldn't you?  
  
  
********  
  
I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth   
And i'm trying to identify the voices in my head   
God wish won't you   
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel   
And break these caluses off me one more time   
  
********  
  
  
That's all am. Just a screwed up little reject. That's all. I don't even deserve to get any answers. To get any sympathy. I don't even deserve to live. And I sure as hell don't deserve you. And heck, even if by some miraclous twist of fate you did feel the same as me, I'd just screw it up anyway. That's what I do. I screw up everything. Just like our friendship. I've ruined that too. I don't even deserve your friendship. Not anymore. And I certainly don't deserve your love.  
  
God, why can't I just be normal? Why? What the hell is so wrong with me? It's not fair. This is a sin, isn't it? I'm that wrong, aren't I? Dammit! Why the hell do I even ask such stupid questions? To you? To God? Do I honestly think that I'm gonna get an answer? How stupid can I get?   
  
The truth is that I must be a total idiot to think I even have a chance. What the hell would a lady's man like you ever want with me? An sixteen year old guy. A guy! What the hell would you want with a guy? With me? And what exactly do I want with you? Aren't you like a brother to me? Aren't you my aniki? Why isn't that enough? Why can't that be enough? God knows it should be. It's more than I've ever had be for. So why can't I be happy with what I've got? Why can't you be happy? Why can't we?  
  
And there I go again. Why can't you be happy? Well how the hell can you? Your best friend just told you that he loved you. And not like a brother. Not like friend. Not the way I used to. Dammit Gene, I told you I loved you. And I know that it's wrong. I do know that. But I just can't help it. I guess that's the real truth of it. I love you because I can't help it. I just do. Wrong as it may be, I do. And weither or not you feel the same for me I just can't help it, aniki. I love you, Gene. I always will. I just can't help it.  
  
  
********  
  
Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying   
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight   
That's alright, alright with me   
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of your door   
And listen to you breathing   
Its where I wanna be, yeah   
  
********  
  
  
I guess I really do, don't I? I just wish that you could understand it. Hell, I wish I could understand it. Maybe some day I will. But not now. Maybe if somehow you share these feelings of mine. Maybe that's when I'll understand it. Maybe then it'll be clear. But not now.  
  
And your just as confused as I am aren't you? Maybe more so? You're probably wondering how I can feel this way, aren't you? It's to be expected I guess. But you never expected this. How could you have? When you asked me what was wrong I'm sure you never imagined that it was because of that. Because I'm gay. Because I love you. I'll bet you never expected anything like that from your sixteen year old partner. Hell, neither did I. It was just as shocking for me to hear it. To know it. To feel it. I'm sure you never expected that.  
  
But you didn't have to leave me. You didn't have to look at me that way, and leave without a word. Not that you went far. Just to your room. But still, that was far enough. Far enough to tell me that you weren't exactly pleased with my confession. But really aniki, how can I blame you? I'd probably have done the same thing. Given you that same perplexed look you gave me. My blue eye's on yours as both of us were left speechless.  
  
And maybe I would have left too. Maybe I'd have hidden myself away from the world for the rest of the day and left you to wait paitontly outside my door. Left you to hear nothing but the soft sound of my breathing as you sat uncomfertably on the hard wooden floor. And maybe I wouldn't have. I really don't know. I guess I never will. But I do hope that you come out soon. I need to see you. Need to hear you. Need to be with you. But I guess for now I'll just have to be content with the sound of your breathing. I guess that's all I have now. That's the only thing I have left.  
  
  
********  
  
Oh I don't want a thing from you   
Bet you're tired of me waiting for   
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground   
Cause i just wanna be here now   
  
********  
  
  
You know I'm out here don't you? You know I'm waiting. That's why you wont come out. That's why your still hiding from me. And I'll bet your sick of it too. You really do hate me. But that's okay. You can feel what you want. I'll survive. I'll have to. Even if you are my world, aniki, even if you are everything to me, I'll survive. I know I will.  
  
Maybe I should leave now. I know thats what I should do. That's what I should have done long ago. But doesn't that mean I'm gonna move now? No. I'll stay here. I'll wait for you. Wait for your answer. I love you that much, Gene. I'll wait forever. You can count on that. As long as I can be close to you, aniki. I'll wait for you forever...  
  
  
********  
Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying   
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight   
That's alright, alright with me   
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door   
And listen to you breathing   
Its where i wanna be, yeah   
Where I wanna be   
  
********  
  
::* Gene *::  
  
To say that I was confused would have been an understatmeant. I was down right bewildered. Jim was in love. In love with me? Anyone else I could have handled, but me? I just didn't know what to say. It just came as such a shock to me, I didn't know what to do. I really didn't. I was totally overwhelmed.  
  
I shouldn't have run though. I knew I shouldn't have. That was so far from the right thing to do. To far. How could I do that to him? To Jim? How could I? He'd just told me something so important to him. It was probably the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life. And I just ran away from it. What the hell was wrong with me?  
  
Jim was probably wondering the same exact thing. What the hell is wrong with me? I know I sure as hell had when I'd found out. I sure had wondered on that day, not long ago that I'd caught myself starring at him. Thinking of him. Wanting him. But Jim was much braver than that. Jim told me how he felt. And I just ran away. Why couldn't I tell him? He told me. Why couldn't I?  
  
I should. I had to. I'll do it now. I have too. He's still waiting for me, I know he is. He's sitting out there on that hard wood floor just waiting and hoping and praying that I feel the same way. And I do. Now more than ever. I'll tell him now. I have to.  
  
But as I pushed the door open, I realized quckly that I was to late. No, he wasn't gone. He was still there. He was still waiting. But his eye's were shut. I wondered breifly how long he'd been asleep. Thought breifly of how peaceful he looked. How handsom. I just couldn't wake him now. I couldn't disturb that peaceful look on his young face. What kind of person would I have been to do that.  
  
He was in my arms in a moment, his head leaning comfertably on my chest, rising and falling as did my best to breath normally. And he held my shirt as I walked. I knew that he was comfortable. I was too. It felt good to hold him, and I knew he felt the same. He was happy now too.  
  
It wasn't long before I got him to his room, laying him down gingerly on his own bed. I smiled down at him as I covered him up, bringing the covers all the way up to his neck just the way he liked it, and he grasped them easily as he rolled over on his side. Now wasn't a time to speak, not of such confusing matters. Now was a time to say good night. To leave him be. To let things rest. We could discuss this in the morning. That would be best.  
  
"Good night." I whispered as I leaned down over the boys' sleeping form, brushing his bangs aside as I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "Sleep tight, Jim." And with that I left him, closing the door behind me as I did. I was tired to, I'd been up all night thinking.   
  
So why wasn't I back in my room yet. Why did I still linger here in the hall? Was I thinking of him? Of course I was. I always did. Maybe that's why I stayed. Maybe that's why I didn't leave. I couldn't. And with that I made myself comfortable on the very same floor Jim had claimed earlier and yawned quietly as I leaned against the wall. The whole house was silent now. I was silent. He was silent. And I fell asleep right there, listening freely to the only sound that did fill my ears. It was that of the boy in the room beside me. The pleasent sound of his breathing sincranized with mine as I closed my eye's. And I sighed. We could both breath easy now.  
  
  
********  
  
Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying   
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight   
That's alright, alright with me   
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door   
And listen to you breathing   
Its where i wanna be, yeah   
Where I wanna be   
  
********  
  
  
::* The end *::  
  
A/N: OK, so how was that? Was it to corny? I really hope it wasn't but , hey, oh well if it was. I'll live. At least I wrote it, and hopefully it wasn't to bad. Thanx for reading, and remember, only intellegent flames and constructive critasizum, ok? Oh yeah, and the next part of "Bounty Hunted" will be out soon. (I hope!) So stay tuned ^_^ C'ya.  



End file.
